Ask Mike: The chicken and the road
Hey Guys,
Bad jokes are in the eye of the beholder. However, there’s one quip that we can all agree is beyond tired: Why did the chicken cross the road? It wasn’t funny when I heard it at age 3, it ain’t funny now, and I doubt that it’ll suddenly become hilarious when I hear it in 30 years. So, who do we have to “thank” for this cruddy attempt at humor? I set out to assign blame where blame is due.
As with many cases of old sayings and phrases, the origin of this joke is a bit murky. However, I did manage to track down a few respected sites that claim the first use of the phrase came about in 1847 in a monthly magazine called “The Knickerbocker.” The magazine Time Out Sydney confirms that fact, and argues that the point of the joke is that it isn’t really a joke. And that’s what makes it funny. Or something.
Xooxle Answers, a professional research service, tracked down a copy of the actual magazine that lists the joke and posted the document on its site. The 1847 magazine originally read: “…There are ‘quips and quillets’ which seem actual conundrums, but yet are none. Of such is this: ‘Why does a chicken cross the street? Are you ‘out of town?’ Do you ‘give it up?’ Well, then: ‘Because it wants to get on the other side!’ Are your sides hurting yet?
Of course, there are alternate punch lines to the chicken joke. Sadly they’re not much funnier. “To get away from Colonel Sanders” or “Because the farmer told him to” are two such responses you’re likely to hear from local 5-year-olds or read on the back of Laffy Taffy wrappers.
Still, while I clearly have a strong aversion to chicken-based humor, I know that there are plenty of other awful jokes out there. So, I want to hear from you. What’s the worst (PG-rated) joke you’ve ever heard? I’m hoping if we get enough responses, we can figure out what might really be the absolute lamest, least funny joke ever uttered. Then we’ll all make a vow to never say it again. Who’s in?
Thanks for reading,
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
- Rating:
(67 votes, average: 3.60) - Permalink
- Comments (416)
Loading ...
Subscribe
Q: What did the bartender say to the horse?
A: Why the long face?
Knock know,
Who’s there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana
Banana who?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.
Very bad joke.
Two halloweens ago I was trick or treating with my daughter who was 7 at the time. Many of the kids were telling jokes to get candy instead of the normal, “trick or treat!” So, a man asked my daughter to tell him a joke.
Well, she doesn’t know many and has a hard time even understanding the point to jokes. So, we had to come up with one quick.
I thought your article was great because of the joke I came up with.
It goes:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He said, ” I don’t know”
Answer: I don’t know either, he didn’t make it. I ran him over.
Now, I am sorry – I think that is quite funny. It was intended for the whole halloween theme.
A great way to end the chicken crossing the road – bad jokes I think.
Sorry – I didn’t have any worst P rated jokes to offer. Well, unless my daughter tells one. She doesn’t understand what a punchline is or how to use one.
So, she would say a joke like:
What do you call a cat and a lemon?
I said, “a sour puss?”
She laughed and said, “No”
A lemon eating cat
I told her not to look into a future in comedy. All her jokes are about that level. I love her, and she is young, and I am sure she will understand in her own time. But, for now – we help her reach other goals in life as we have given up trying to explain to her jokes for now.
LOL my boyfriend always tells me that and when Im like Why? Hes like “b/c it wanted to see you” <33
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? One is from India!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Hey man, why the long face?”.
Horrible.
Do you have a mom?
NOT
Why did the rooster cross the road? Ans: That’s where the hens were. The answer is somewhat obvious because it is actually a commentary on male behavior.
knock knock, who’s there?
fred. Fred who?? Fred you gonna have to leave.
A man walks into a bar and says “OUCH!”
Bear walks into a bar, says to the barman ‘I’ll have a beer and………………………………………………….a packet of chips please.’ Barman says ‘Why the big pause (paws)?’
A man walks into a bar what does he say? oww…
Our Honeybun joke, we have a natural hummer, whenever she has to go outside for a potty break, she will go to the door and hum, really hums, ……….do you know why she hums???? get ready for eyes rolling upward, its because she doesnt know the words, silly!!!
this was originally a hummingbird joke, but since our Honey does hummmmmmmmm (part of her doxie personality showing) I also use it for my Honeybun giggle, sorry, you have to be there!!! lol
have a great day everyone!!!!
Q why do fireman wear red suspenders?
A to hold there pants up.
least favorite pun:
a farmer finds that his pony is sick, so he goes to his neighbor the vet. the vet, after treating the animal in silence, quips “he doesn’t talk much, does he?” the farmer responds, “well, what do you expect? he’s a little hoarse….”
puns that always make me laugh but i know are still horrible:
Q:why shouldn’t you write with a dull pencil??
A:because there’s no point!
a man comes home to his brooklyn apartment to find he has been robbed. he goes into the hallway sees a man with a large bag. he demands, “Au (hey, you!), where’s my gold?” the man reveals what is in the bag and says, “Ag (hey, gee,) it’s silver!”
^^original joke from chem class, btw.
girl: what will this banana do for me?
boy: it’s potassium, K?
^^another.
“What did one teddy bear say to the other?”
“Let’s go to the movies together.”
Am I missing something here? Does anyone actually find that funny? I’m…very confused.
Ok, this one IS bad:
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to all this knocking?!
knock knock
whos there?
knock knock
whos there?
knock knock
and u know the rest…
I don’t know where the chicken joke came from, but heres the sequel:
Why did the TURKEY cross the road?
To get to the other side?
No! To prove it wasn’t a chicken!
i just read all of these and laughed at most of them! dont be so down on the simple jokes mike. goshh!
saw this on a “popular” image message board earlier today.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze
why did your mom cross the road?
why was she out of the kitchen in the first place
Okay – as lame is this one is it still made me laugh. “What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?” answer – “Anyone can roast beef but, no one can pee soup!”
Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac law student? He stayed up all night studying for he bra exam.
My dyslexic friend was arrested last night. He’s behind bras now.
So, a dyslexic walks into a bra…
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says hey man why the long face.
Ha, ha. The TV show MadTV featured a skit with two guys (played by Jordan Peele and Keegan Michael Key) cracking up to some of the corniest knock-knock jokes, while drinking a can of…something…
Some of the jokes I remember:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing in my house??
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Police
Police who?
Police let me in, Im freezing out here!
-These jokes aren’t that bad, but the skit is really funny (or stupid). The whole skit seemed like an inside joke!
giraffe walks into a bar and yells
“HEY GUYS, THE HIGHBALLS ARE ON ME”
Lol. Reading some of them i think there pretty funny. ive heard some of them b4 but im in a jokey mood so anythings funny.
Erm.. a rubbish joke
why is 6 afraid of 7?
cuz 7 8 9 probably the most babyish joke ever
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
the chicken crossed the road to prove to the armadillo it could be done!
knock knock
who’s th-
INTERRUPTION!!!
KNOCK KNOCK
who’s th-
INTERRUPTION!!!
KNOCK KNOCK!!!
who’s th-
INTERRUPTION!!!
who’s th-
diarrhea.
so annoying.
the only funny part is the random ‘diarrhea’ at the end
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
What’s black and white and “red” all over?
A newspaper.
What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark.
what happens when you throw a white rock into the red sea ?
it gets wet.
My favorite joke of all time from my 22 year old son. He was 5 at the time: What’s invisible and smells like worms?
Answer: Bird farts!
Also nonsensical jokes: How many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?
Answer: I don’t know, ice cream has no bones!
I would just like to say that any and all puns should die.
The end.
1-Knock Knock.
2-Whose there?
1-Boo.
2-Boo who?
1- You don;t have to cry, it was just a joke!
Q: Why is 6 afraid or 7?
A: Because 7 8 9
LAME
I’m sorry Christie, but I thoght “a lemon eating cat” was a lot better than your “sour puss”
It was kinda funny
By the way the
Why did the chicken cross the road?
One is pretty must unanswerable because you don’t know it’s intentions so that is the reason for it, I dont think it’s meant to be funny…
And heres a joke
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet me in?
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
Absoulutely worn-out, long-retired joke my dad’s been telling me every other day since I was three.
However, in my opinion, here’s quite a fair quality chicken joke:
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was squashed on the elephant’s foot.
Q:How does a tree get on the internet?
A:It logs on.
The worst I ever heard was at a camp,
‘you can tune a piano but you can’t TUNAFISH!!!’
………
seriously? there’s another half to that, i don’t care to remember what it was. All i know is that I couldn’t even let out a pity laugh at the time.
Q, what do you call soda that makes a loud noise?
A. Pop.
im P&S theres this person called tom j, just read his questions their all jokes that suck (for example the one i just gave above)
no offense.
Here’s my lame joke. Me and my friends would tell everyone this and they would just stare at us shaking their heads!
So there were two muffins in the oven, you know just chillin’ out.
Then one of the muffins cried out, “We’re in an oven!”
The second muffin exclaimed, “Holy cow! A talking muffin!”
Yeah… we made a lot of our friends wish they never knew us!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum that it could be done.
(smiley face with big teeth)
how do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
it’s not funny…at all.
Knock Knock
Who’s there
(no one answers)
sources: the pursuit of happiness
Q: What is ‘to entertain’?
A: Fiftain
why did the chicken cross the road?
he wanted to get to the “other side” (hell/heaven) whatever..hmph
The chicken joke with a little twist:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
She didn’t want to lay it on the line.
almost as lame as the original.
My dad used to use this on me all the time when I was younger:
Me: “I’m hungry”
Dad: “I’m daddy”
I heard this joke in a Christmas cracker!
Absolutely True! It was around 2 years ago. Definitely the worst joke I have heard.
Question: What is grey and lights up?
Answer: An electric elephant!
Oh dear….
From when I was in the 1st grade:Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
I’ve always preferred this corny ‘time’ joke. It’s from the 1st Rocky movie when Rocky gives Adrian a new watch:
“You want to have a good time? You got to have a good watch.”
I always hated, hated this one:
“Ain’t ain’t a word and that ain’t true.”
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chicken’s hadn’t been invented yet
Rubbish joke
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees! Aha
What is Black and White and read all over?
A newspaper.
What is Black and White and red all over?
A sunburnt zebra.
A Guy Walks Into A Bar….Ouch
Wanna Hear A Dirty Joke?…A Pig Rolled In The Mud…
2 Guys Were Walking, One Walked Into A Bar, The Other One Ducked
What did Tarzan say to the elephant?
Hi, Elephant
What did Tarzan say to the elephant wearing dark glasses?
Nothing, he did not recognise the elephant.
What’s the hight of hope?
A pregnant school girl rubbing het tummy with vanishing cream.
I must stop or I will get killed!!!@!
A man walks into a bar…
Ouch.
Why did the pidgeon cross the road?
Because it was stiched onto the chicken.
Lol christie that one was actually funny! One of the worst jokes I have ever heard:
Q: What kind of music do mummies like?
A: Wrap Music
Horrible!!!! =P
“A man walked into a bar…..OUCH!”
Anything my sister says in her futile attempts to be sarcastic can go straight on this list. She is an older version of Christie’s daughter, and used to make up knock-knock jokes in her spare time. I have also warned her against comedy as a career. =)
Dude,
If you have this much time on your hands to write a quick novel, worrying about the chicken that crossed the road, YOU NEED HELP, or friends.Why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the left to the right, YOUR , LEFT, YOUR LEFT, YOUR RIGHT!
Walts wife
I often think of this corny joke everytime I exit my street. I’m a city girl living up what is refered to out here as a hollar – and people raise chickens here for whatever reason. Usually its when I’m in a hurry to get out of the “hollar” that I end up having one or more loose chickens running amuck in the road or casually crossing it in front of my car. So the answer I always give to “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Is ” Just to piss me off!”
Why did the farmer wear red suspenders???
to keep his pants up!! HAAAAAAAHAAAA
Knock knock, who’s there? Inturupting cow. Interupting cow h- MOOOOOOOOOO
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Aw, stop crying, its just a joke.
And if you ask me, the only thing worse than a bad joke, is a joke thats way too long and compleatly pointless.
BOOoo
What’s black and white and red all over?
Newspaper (read all over) or a pregnant nun, a sunburnt zebra, or any dumb thing you can think of.
Almost all of the jokes that I remember as a kid wold qualify for this category of awful jokes.
I think the whole knock knock joke genre is actually lamer than the chicken one. If nothing else it has gone on to spawn many more terrible jokes.
Why did the grandma cross the road?
She was stapled to the chicken!
Q: wat do u call a pig that does karate
A: porkchop
got it off a laffy taffy wraper lol
What do you call a Frenchman in sandles?
Phillipe Filop
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
“A little boy goes in front of his class. His teacher tells him to recite the alaphebet.
He agrees and goes:
‘A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’
His teacher says that’s great, but what happened to ‘P?’ The boy smiles says ‘it’s in my pants.’”
I read one stupid one on a site:
What color is a burp?
Burple.
Ugh…
What do a shark and a banana have in common?
They both can swim except for the banana.
Question: What’s the difference between a Snuggie and a blanket?
Answer: The KKK.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they dont know the words
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it could be done.
“that’s what she said”
Q. Why did the gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot
A priest, a rabbi, a shaman, and a monk walk into a bar together.
When the bartender sees them, he says angrily, “What IS this – some kind of religious joke?”
hahhahahah good one that made my sis puke
Why etc?
Because he couldn’t go around it.
the banana one, with banana who banana who banana who orange orange OMG TERRIBLE
ummm hi..
Why did the one armed bandit cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop
My Dad is a primary school teacher with 10 year olds all day long, unfortunately his sense of humour has never progressed beyond these jokes :/
Any knock knock jokes are pretty bad. I rarely hear one that makes me laugh. The chicken one is pretty old too though. I’ve never laughed at that one either.
All of the knock knock jokes.
if a seagul flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
a bagel.
this was very hilarious the very first time that i heard it years and years ago and the fact that my sister told us this when she was 5 lol. she was soooooo cute and she LOVED this joke so much that she would tell us the joke every time it came to her mind, not understanding that she already told it to us a zillion and 3 times and that we knew the answer everytime lol. but thats part of what made it sooo funny! but it got old very quickly and was no longer cute or funny so we had to tell her ok sweety that was very nice but find another cute joke for us. lol
“I dream of a better world — where a chicken can cross the road and not have its motivations called into question.”
What is ‘black and white’ and ‘black and white’ and ‘black and white’ and ‘black and white’ all over?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Thats suit is blue…
…
…
..
.
NOT!
In all seriousness (pardon the pun), at one time riddles were not really supposed to be funny. They were more like a challenge at puzzle – solving. The chicken crossing the road “joke” may not be meant to be truly funny, it could be a lesson in logic.
Now, I would hope that most people know this riddle.
Example:
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs at noontime and 3 legs in the evening?
The answer?
A human (or traditionally, man). The 4 legs represent infancy – crawling, the two legs, adulthood – walking and the 3 legs, old age – walking with a cane. This is hardly funny, but certainly metaphorical.
I’m sure at some point, perhaps a jester turned the puzzle part into something funny and thus broke the tradition of problem solving, turning it into a joke.
Here’s a source:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riddle
I hope that this clears things up. And I agree, the chicken joke isn’t funny.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo, who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!
lol Awful…
Why is this joke funny? Because you are listening to it.
I am serious, my friend came up to me in all seriousness and said this.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the hookers
What do you get when you mix a zombie and a Chevy Silverado?
A dead battery. Lame…
How did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
What is the difference between a jewish man and a canoe?
Canoes tip. Actually that one’s kinda funny =p
:Q; Why did the Martian end up on earth instead of mars?
A: Because his trip had not been planeted very well.
Don’t know about you, but the sheer corniness of that so-called “joke” sort of makes my stomach queezy….
Why did the shorthair cross the road?
I don’t know.
Because someone told him to. Why did the longhair cross the road?
Because someone told him not to?
Oh, well, you heard that one before.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
give up?
ground beef…..lol
My little cousin keeps saying this one, and it’s from Hannah Montana (go figure).
A guy walks into a bar and sees cheese on the counter, so he decides to take it. The bartender, however, does not like this one bit and says: “That’s nacho cheese.”
Hahaha…funny yet? I didn’t think so. She keeps repeating it ALL THE TIME I’M WITH HER! Lol. She finds it hilarious.
Overheard at Dr. Seuss’ house:
Knock, Knock
Whose there?
You’re right.
duh… blame it to the one who made that joke.. lol.. maybe he/she died already.. he/she must be now feelin shameful when hearing these comments lol..
have mercy on your soul
i dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned .
believe it or not, i didnt make this one up:
whats the diffrence between a horse?
the orange because it has no sides.
im pretty sure whoever posted it was smoking some hardcore something….
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
- Where’s my tractor?
What’s pink and fluffy?
- Pink fluff
What’s red and looks like a bucket?
- A red bucket
What’s blue and looks like a bucket?
- A red bucket in disguise
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Joe.
Joe who?
Joe Smith.
: P
knock knock
who’s there?
boo
boo who?
why are you crying?
LAME
what do you can an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? some one who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog…!
Do you like fishsticks?
Yeah, I like fishsticks.
What are you? A gay fish?
Knock Knock ?Who’s there? boo/ boo who? why are u crying? it’s just a joke
probably my first joke
the first joke i taught to my kids
Q: Why did the chiken cross the road?
A: To get to the crossing road convention.
XD
sadly i know quite a lot.. my friend has told me many..
some are
knock knock
who’s there?
boo
boo who?
aww don’t be sad
and another
knock knock
who’s there?
cows go
cows go who?
no silly cows go moo… *rolls eyes*
some are just plain dumb others, are annoying..
Why did the man bring a ladder to the party?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
What do you call a couple of blondes standing in a row.
A wind tunnel.
Being a foreigner, I never heard this joke before, so I had to look it up! I found it on Wikipedia. For the sake of all others not knowing the joke: “Becuse it wants to get to the other side”. I am sorry, but I actuallly think it’s (kind of) funny.
Here is a sample of weird, Danish humor. (I will leave it up to you to decide if it is bad or funny. It is not a bad translation; it it ment to be like this).
“How old was it you said she lived as given name?”
“Half past one.”
“Thanks, then this is where I have to get off the bus.”
There is no deeper meaning or hidden message. The fun part is simply the fact that it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I dont know if this is ajoke or what but its really dumb
“Thats what she said.”
Its really annoying when people say “Yo momma”. Thats all they say….
Two tomatoes were crossing the road, and one got run over. Then the other one says:
“Come on, let’s go ketchup!”
Ugh.
2 Men walk into a Bar, OUCH!!
Why did the Hedgehog cross the orad?
To see his Flat Mate.
they are a couple real bad ones, oh and Why cant a Car play football? Because its only got 1 boot
or
Whats Black and White and has 16 wheels?
A Zebra on Rollerskates
I know its sad that i know these
Q. Want to hear a dirty joke?
A. A boy jumped into a mud puddle
Q. Want to hear the clean version?
A. He took a bath.
LAME!
So, 2 men walk into a bar. Owww.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
for some fowl reason I am sure.
What is a vampire’s favourite sport?
Casketball!
What is a porcupine’s favourite food?
Prickled onions!
Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers!
What question can’t be answered with a yes?
Are you asleep?
What’s green and loud?
A froghorn!
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
What does a 300 pound parrot say?
Polly wants a cracker….Now!
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
A foot pump!
What did the watch say to the hand?
Tick…tick…tick
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas carol?
Jungle Bells!
Jack : A noise woke me up this morning.
Jill : What was it?
Jack : The crack of dawn!
My gosh…there are more than hundreds of them that I could write. All these jokes were from a local English newspaper. Anyone who laughs at these jokes should have a reality check.
how bout witch came 1st the chiken or the egg? but the answer is chicken b/c god made the animals; not the eggs.
Whats black and white and read all over?…
…A newspaper.
You remind me of a man.
What man?
The man with the power.
What power?
The power of HooDoo.
HooDoo?
You do.
I do what?
Remind me of a man…
From a Cary Grant movie.
.
knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Well you don’t have to cry about it.
q:want to hear a dirty joke
a:a white horse tripping in mud
q:want to hear a dirtier joke
a:the same white horse falling in mud again etc
sorry but my lamest is in french, it cannot be translated in english because it would not be as lame
that’s about as funny as a screen door on a submarine!!!
Q: What’s the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.
Q: What’s black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It’s good for hot dogs.)
Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.
Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.
Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.
not funny at all!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo Who?
It’s okay, you dion’t have to cry.
Bad bad joke.
Q: Why does everyone love mushroom?
A: Because he’s a FUNGI (fun guy).
Another answer to the chicken query that I have heard is:
“Because she wanted to be seen as poultry in motion.”
Bad, huh.
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
…
An old man walked into a bar. Ouch!
Lame!
How about a blonde joke or two?
The three girls were trapped on an island. Brunette, red-head, and blonde. Red-head said, “I’m tired of being stuck here. I’m swimming to shore.” And she got a little more than halfway when she drowned.
Brunette said, “She’s right, I am leaving too.” Brunette swam a little further than red-head got, and she drowned.
“Hmm,” said Blonde, “I bet I could do it.” So blonde swam, and was almost there, when she decided she was tired, and swam back to the island!
Here’s another.
The trio was trapped on a building and there was a team down below with a net. “Jump!” They said. Red-head went first, and when she was about to hit the net, they pulled it out from underneath her and she hit the concrete and died.
It was Brunette’s turn, but she said, “I don’t know, I don’t trust you guys.”
“We won’t pull it out on you,” They promised.
“OK, I guess.” And Brunette jumped, but the team was not true to their word. They yanked it out of the way and Brunette hit the concrete, and died.
“Your turn,” The team called to Blonde.
“I don’t trust you,” She said, “You killed my friends!”
“Trust us,” The team pleaded.
“No,” Said Blonde. “Now I want you to set the net ON THE GROUND, got it? THEN I will jump into it.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite fast food place?
ARRRRRRRRRRRRby’s!
Got told that when I was a pirate for Halloween. Never again.
A better version of the ‘A horse walks into a bar…’ joke:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”, and the horse says, “My wife just died.”
My little sister’s favourite joke is:
‘Knock knock.’
‘Who’s there?’
Strawberry.’
‘Strawberry who?’
‘Strawberry Banana Strawberry Banana Strawberry Banana.’
knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
dont be upset (sry i all the sudden cant remembere the last line but its something like that and im sure you’ve all heard it before)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Why are you crying its only a joke!
What’s 5q and 5q?
10q.
You’re welcome.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A match can burn twice.
No it can’t
Yeah, I’ll show you. … Takes a match, lights it and puts it out. then takes the same match and places the hot matchhead on my arm.
Joke no, cruel yes. Really happened. Lesson learned, never agree to what is seemingly a harmless joke.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange Who?
Orange ya gonna let me in?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get in the joke books
I learned that from my comedy calculator
why did the chicken cross the road?
to prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
A rabbi, a priest, a minister, a horse, a duck, a goat, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up at them and says “What is this, a joke?”
What do you call a dead magician’s assistant?
An abracadaver.
What did the frog say to the horse
No Soap Radio (I don’t get it either)
A fish walks into a bar, and the fish says to the bartender” What’s good to drink” and the bartender says”How about a grasshopper”
Later, the fish walks passes a grasshopper, and the fish goes”There’s a drink named after you”
So the grasshopper goes” There’s a drink named Irving?”
We have too many bad jokes
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Scott.
Scott who?
Scott nothing to do with you.
Knock knock.
Whos there?
Doctor.
Docter who?
Dont go ruining the joke.
My sister’s on a seafood diet. When she sees food, she eats it.
Ha Ha.
I heard this from my friend’s kindergartener:
Why did the pair of socks cross the road?
Because the chicken was wearing them.
I thought it was pretty clever for a little kid.
Why should you be afraid of a pig that knows karate?
Because he might give you a pork chop.
Q: What does the North Pole and a cat in a desert have in common?
A: They both have sandy clause!
I’ve gotta admit, I find lame jokes quite endearing.
Person #1: Hey wanna hear a knock knock joke?
Person #2: Okay..
Person #1: Okay you start.
Person #2: Knock knock…
Person #1: Who’s there?
Person #2: Wait..what?
You’re actually supposed to try it with someone
the sad thing is, people usually fall for it..
What’s a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street, and one suddenly says, “Oh no! I’ve lost my electron.”
The other asks, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
Q-you want to hear a corny joke?
A-fritos
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Epic fail.
As I live in a rural area, my favorite answer that the question of “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is:
To prove the the possum that it can be done.
Needless to say, lots of dead possums in the road down here.
There were two horses, Itsy and Bitsy. Itsy was more down to earth and had good values, but Bitsy was very materialistic and popular. There was a state horse race and the brothers decided to compete. Itsy trained for about two weeks while Bitsy partied with the female horses. Itsy asked Bitsy why he didn’t train, and he said he didn’t need to. The day of the race arrived and Itsy was overcome with fear. Bitsy, however, played it cool. The man shot the gun and they were off: “Itsy is in the lead, Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead, now Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead.” … ” AND BITSY WINS!” Itsy was devastated. He couldn’t believe that he came in second place! He had trained much longer than Bitsy! Thats okay, Itsy thought. At least he qualified for the nationals. Then he would show him. The nationals werent for 3 more months. Itsy trained day after day, through rain and snow, hail and heat. Bitsy on the other hand, went clubbing and still partied with the girl horses. Bitsy was overconfident and believed he didn’t need any training at all. Itsy continued training day and night until the day of nationals. Itsy was no longer afraid, he knew he could do this. Bitsy still acted as if he had it all down pat. The man pulled the trigger, “And they’re off! Itsy is in the lead, Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead, now Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead, Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead, Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead, now Bitsy is in the lead, Itsy is in the lead.”…. “AND BITSY WINS!” Itsy was so embarrassed. He couldn’t believe this! Itsy went to their locker room and as he was about to leave, he became suddenly suspicious. He looked into Bitsy’s locker and found steroids! “Aha!” said Itsy. Now he’ll pay. Itsy marched right to the judge of the contest, waved the steroids and said “Bitsy is a fake! I should have won!”. Itsy watched the judges face as it went into complete shock. He didn’t say one word. Itsy became impatient, “Well? Do I get first place?” And the Judge said, “OH MY GOD! A talking horse!”
Haha, I’m sorry for those of you who actually read that. It’s one of those jokes that gets you going then has no point. They are rather obnoxious. But its more fun for the person who tells the joke than the person who receives it. Its a good joke to tell to waste time. Stretch the details as much or as little as needed.
Two men walk into a bar… the other one ducked.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite street?
Dead End
What has a trunk and 16 wheels?
An elephant on rollar skates
And then all those jokes they used to put on popsicle sticks. Those where horrible too
knoke knock
who’s there?
who
who who?
who the whoster
the who?
who the whoster retart
you know what im gana hurt you-
wait wear is he!!!!!!!!
i must of imagined it
i think i need help
why did the chicken cross the road?
because she couldn’t control her involuntary muscle spasms after being decapitated.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Her husband was a real cock.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.
Worst joke ever, yet the only joke I can remember whenever someone asks me to tell them a joke.
Q.What Do We Breathe? A. Air
Q.What Grows On Our Head? A. Hair
Q. Where Do Supervillans live? A. Lair
now combine all the answers (air, hair, lair) and put them in one word and it when you say it it sounds like your saying “oh hello!” in a very posh english accent!
Lame Right???
a clown, a giraffe, and a lawyer go into a bar the bartender turns and says “what is this a joke??”
lame
why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9.
ahahah! not.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken quit.
A man goes to his doctor to get a check up. The doctor says i have some bad news. You have Cancer and Alzheimers Disease. The man looks up at his doctor, chuckles, and says, well at least i dont have Cancer!
lol, idk, i thought it was funny!
a couple walk go to the first day of their new french 101 class. the professor goes through the coursework and, at the end, asks if there’s any questions. they quickly raise their hands and ask how long it will take to learn french. the professor responds that it depends on the student, but asks why they’re in such a hurry.
“we just adopted a baby from France, and want to understand her when she learns how to talk~”
a close runner up:
why don’t women know how to drive?
because there’s no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.
knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who?
don’t cry its only a joke!
terrible.
A guy walks into a bar and says “ow!”
When I was around five I would always come up with endings to the chicken joke that I thought were hilarious, but weren’t really. Example:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had feathers!
And then I would burst out in laughter. My parents always remind me of this.
what happens when you throw a red rock into the black sea?
It gets wet!
how do you hurt lady gaga?
you poke her face!
y did the turky cross the road?
b/c it was the chickens day off
hahahahahahahahahahehehehehehehehehehehohohohohohohohohoho
I am disappointed that a blog entry by someone who has a blog dedicated explicitly to Answers on Yahoo! would merely regurgitate a wikipedia entry.
How does a Camel hide in the desert?
camel-flage
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see a man lay bricks.
doctor: What’s wrong with you?
patient: My eyes can not see far more.
doctor: Can you see the sun ?
patient: Sun ? I do.
doctor: How far do you want to see?
Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Dwane.
Dwane Who?
Dwane the Bathtub I’m Dwoning.
The first joke i ever told as a kid. And instead of saying it “drowning” you have to say it like it’s a “w” instead of a “r”
Well I actually didn’t know the answer until I was 12 becuase no one on TV ever said the real answer… (ouch).
I consider the chicken joke a bit of shared cultural knowledge. The fact that everyone knows it means it can be referred to without explanation. So when you ask someone why the punk rocker crossed the road and they ask why, you can answer “Because he was stapled to a chicken!” and it makes sense.
i personally found this to be rather funny:
http://man-eating-badger.blogspot.com/2009/07/why-did-chicken-cross-road-such.html
add politics – instant satire!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To go to the Shell Station.
A hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What do cows read?
The Daily Moos
What kind of roller coasters do ghosts like to ride?
Scary ones!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Giant holes all over Australia!
hear it from my 4 year old nephew who was doing a stand-up act for my 2 year old daughter. She was almost in tears from laughing at him so hard and this one stuck out in my mind.
A rooster is sitting on top of a house on the top of a slanted roof. The roof is 45 degrees in angle and is facing east and the wind is blowing north west at 13km an hour. When it lays an egg, what way side of the roof does the egg fall? Left or Right?
ANSWER: roosters dont lay eggs
OR
How many of each animal did Moses take on the arc?
It was Noah, not moses
I like jokes like that where the answer isn’t really what was asked for.. Hehe
why did the chicken cross the playground?
to get to the other slide
You, sir, fail at comedy.
Just thought you should know.
I agree with you, does it really matter if this chicken did cross a road, I have heard this for many years.
And the other one – “which came first”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!
Can’t say how many times I’ve heard that one…
What did the acorn say when it grew up?
“Gee-I’m-a-tree!” (Geometry)
A classic, “Woooow” joke from the good ol days
“Why did the bar tender throw the butter out of the bar?
“Because he wanted to see a butter-fly.”
We have this guy in our local Curry Donuts who tells the corniest jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Chicken jokes are utterly stupid.
two guys walk into a bar. the first guy says to the second guy “you didn’t see it either”
Here’s one my wife told at a Family Reunion when she was about five years old.
“What’s in the Icebox?” From the crowd ” What?”
“Strawberries, what’s in the icebox?” “What?”
” Lemonade, What’s in the icebox?” This went on for about 10 minutes before she was removed from the stage. HILARIOUS!
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: Cause he was stapled to the chicken.
“Why does a mailman drive a blue truck?”
“To deliver the mail.”
What did the snail say while it was riding on the turtle’s back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
One of my old teachers thought that was the most hilarious joke ever, but everyone in my class thought it was just stupid.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper
knock knock
who’s there
cargo
cargo who
cargo beep beep
Your mom.
YOUR MOM JOKES >:[
Why did the frog cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
My mom told me this one actually an hour ago before I read this, & i thought it was awful. Just as most Knock Knock jokes are.
“Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Madame
madame who?
Madame foot’s caught it the door that’s who!”
ha
ha
ha…
Well I think it is funny when instead the answer to ‘said’ joke is replaced with something so totally random and off of the wall. Like, might I add, would be something such as this;
“Why did the Chicken cross the road?”
–”Well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because we ate it’s Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters. Not to mention their family reunion didn’t turn out so great during that same date!”
Stupid to you, but morbid and crude, and random. So it’s funny to some whom all ( not everyone) may have that taste in humor.
Hey! That FRED joke at the end was very clever! Esp. with a little drawl in the right places.
Knock Knock,
who’s there?
Gagadolf.
Gagadolf who?
Gandalf who cast a spell to change his name to to gagadolf!!
If anything fails more than that then god help us all…
The two worst jokes that I know:
* “Why is an orange like a monkey?”
> “I don’t know.”
* “Neither of them live in outer space.”
* “What is pink and fluffy?”
> “I don’t know.”
* “Pink fluff.”
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9!
when i herd this “joke” i felt like slapping the guy on his face ! lol
Question : Why dont ants stretch ?
Answer: Because they would split !
not only did the chicken cross the road but if you stick a frozen chicken into a cannon and fire it across the road it also becomes a deadly weapon.
knock knock,
who’s there?,
Boo,
Boo Hoo?
Aw don’t cry.. it’s only a joke!
Rubbish!
My 2 fave are: what do you call a yo-yo that only goes up. A Yo!!!
And A man walks into a bar….. Ouch
Here are three of the worst I know:
Q.What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A.”Where’s my tractor!?”
Q.When is the best time to go to the dentist?
A. At TOOTHHURTY
And finally,
Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A. Time to get a new fence!
Rural American highway humor:
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To prove to the Possum that it could be done.
the first time i heard this one, i couldnt stop myself from laughing. It was so stupid its funny.
knock knock
who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow-
MOOOOOOOO!
I mentioned this in one of my early answers, months ago. This clumsy attempt at “humour” was from a guy trying to cheer me up while i was in hospital recovering from a broken leg when i was 13.
Q. What happened to the dog when it fell out the window?
A. It fractured it’s skull.
Truly the worse attempt at telling a “joke” and “huomourus” punchline i’ve ever heard. Do i get the trophy, Mike?
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
Or
Two men walk into a bar.
You think one of them would have seen it.
your a bloody misery. HAHA! great joke. people have a different sense of humour. it might be funny to some people, but to miseries like you it might not be.
I dream of a peaceful world where a chicken can cross the road without having it’s motives questioned
what is black and white and red (read) all over. I never thought this was funny.
my favorite follow on that makes the chicken joke work,…
why did the punk rocker cross the road?
cuz he was safety pinned to the chicken!
For some reason this one used to crack up my mother:
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he had a chicken nailed to his forehead.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you” and the grasshopper says “you have a drink named Steve?”
knock knock
who’s there?
It’s me
Oh yeah, come in.
I mean come on, who thought of that one?
What did Michael Jackson say when doctors tried to revive him?
Take me to Children’s Hospital!!
Q. What is the difference between a police man and a soldier?
A. You cant dip a police man in your egg!
(In the UK egg soldiers are strips of toast that you dip in the yolk of a boild egg.)
This very PG joke was told to me by my grand mother when I was little. I dont want to think about how long it has been past down my family or how long it will continue to be past on.
A man walked into a bar…….. “OUCH he says”
Very bad joke!!
Why did the man throw a clock out of the window?
He wanted to make time fly.
Terrible.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow–MOO!
The asker Moos right when the answerer says Interrupting cow who.
* “What color is the emergency stop button on a plane?”
> Uh… red?
* “Wrong!”
(there are no such buttons on planes, obv)
Insulting joke but always heard..
Q-Why did the girl fall off the swing?
A-Cause she had no arms…
So bad i know.. (:
CHICKEN JOKES ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!
STOP THIS REVOLUTION RIGHT NOW!!
WHOS WITH ME? AM I RIGHT?!
I found this on a Laffy Taffy wrapper in Drivers Ed. Some friends interrupted in the middle of class to tell this joke. No one got it…and we were disappointed. We still don’t get it. (months later)
Q. Which garden has the most vegetables?
A. Flash Garden
Why did the dinasour cross the road? Because it was the chikens day off!
Adam, Eve, Pinch Me, and Pinch Me Not were in a boat.
Adam, Eve and Pinch Me Not fell out, who was left?
A- Pinch Me
*okay – Pinch*
Why was the chicken so upset?
Because he had irritable fowl syndrome.
Came up with it myself : )
So this baby seal walks into a club….
So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.
He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question – which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that – when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble – usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer – if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him – if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick – their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV – he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it – he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon – it seems like it’s been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up – he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert – crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape – shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark – darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble – he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down – like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand – he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it – a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is – so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different – he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet – that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy – he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?”
He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?”
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.”
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers – the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them – blood. He feels his shoulder again – his shirt has what feels like two holes in it – two puncture holes – they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up – it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices – he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more – at all!
“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?”
“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.”
“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?”
“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works – it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.”
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great – he was still starving and exhausted, but much better – he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”
“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.
“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand – my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake.
“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”
“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more – but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent – now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat – much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed.
“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man – and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”
“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?”
“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.
“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”
“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?”
“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.
“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy – with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”
Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
“Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”
“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be – you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.”
“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?”
“Right,” nodded Nate.
“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully.
“That takes two requests, Jack.”
“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?”
“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.”
“Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?”
“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders.
“Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”
“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works – the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans…
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to hoodwink me like that.”
“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you – especially one my size. And besides, admit it – it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”
“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?”
“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”
“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack.
“Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?”
“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.”
“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate.
“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn – I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”
“Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.”
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done – it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back – I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.”
“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.”
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?”
“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.”
“Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?”
“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.”
“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.
“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.”
“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.
“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake – much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.
“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”
“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.
“Why not?” asked Jack.
“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.
“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.”
“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.
“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?”
“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?”
“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?”
Nate continued to grin.
“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”
“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I
didn’t think to ask back when I started here.”
“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.
“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?”
“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”
“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”
“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”
“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?”
“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?”
“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.
“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?”
“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.”
“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.”
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?”
“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.”
“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?”
“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”
“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.
“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.
“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”
“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.”
“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?”
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.”
“Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me.
Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”
“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”
“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.”
“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.
“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.
“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”
“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
“Nate, do accidents count?”
Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement.
A little later – “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack.
“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.
“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?”
“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”
“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”
“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”
“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”
“And then he just died?” asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.”
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he’d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”
Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?
“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.
“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”
Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”
Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”
Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”
Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request.
“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.
“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”
Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”
Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!”, he ran over the snake.
THE END
Q: What’s yellow and very dangerous?
A: Shark infested mustard.
Q: How many men does it take to put a new roll of TP on the dispenser?
A: No one knows.
Why didn’t the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
What goes GNIP-GNOP, GNIP-GNOP?
A ping-pong ball bouncing backwards. (ugh)
What’s the most romantic part of the sea?
The part where buoy meets gull.
So, are you going to tell us? Why did the chicken cross the road?
Can’t believe nobody mentioned the awful cemetary joke..
Why do cemetaries have gates?
Because people are dying to get in!
Q) What do you get when you cross a skunk with Frankenstein’s monster?
A) I don’t know, but it sure stinks!
I got that from a coloring book. It wasn’t funny when I was 3, either. I got more, but they are non-PG suckishness from a 10-year-old.
Joe: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Bill: Don’t know.
Joe: To get his social security check. Get it?
Bill: No
Joe: Neither did the chicken.
Stupid or what?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 “8″ 9.
Here’s Another:
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
One More:
A plane crashes on the border of the US and Canada, where do they burry the survivors?
They don’t, they survived!
Interesting variation…
Why did the Dalek cross the road?
To exterminate the bloody chicken.
The ever-popular blonde jokes I’ve heard enough about:
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all go into a barn and hide in different, empty potato sacks because they’re wanted by the police. A cop comes in and pokes the first bag with the redhead and she says, “MEOW!” He pokes the second bag with the brunette and she says, “WOOF!” He pokes the third bag with the blonde and she says, “POTATOES!”
Another:
A blonde comes upon a brunette standing on a set of train tracks repeating, “21. 21. 21. 21.”
“Why are you saying 21?” The blonde asks and the brunette doesn’t reply, but continues saying 21. The blonde stays with her, intent on finding out why she keeps repeating “21″. Suddenly, a train comes barreling down the tracks. Before it hits the two, the brunette jumps out of the way and the blonde is killed. After the train passes, the brunette steps back onto the tracks and begins saying, “22. 22. 22.”
A good joke;
Q:Why did the Orange stop in the middle of the road?
A:It ran out of juice!
Now a little one my 6 year old brother (Or 6 at the time) made up;
Q:Why did the Banana stop in the middle of the road?
A:It ran out of peels!
Jokes are sometimes anoying and all but you gatta admit it’s nice to laugh at atleast one once in a while.Anyways we all love some jokes you gatta admit some of you who say ”i hate them there anoying” don’t act like you don’t like atleast one joke!
There’s actually another alternate version I’ve heard.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other slide.
Still pretty stupid but it was popular as a tot.
Two photons go into a black hole.
Pete and Repete were sitting on a wall, Pete fell off and who was left? Repete (repeat).
OKAY!
Pete and Repete were sitting on a wall….
Thats the most annoying one I know
The following comment was posted by another person, and I just figured I’d let everyone know that it is actually from the greek tragedy “oedipus rex” or “oedipus the king” by sophocles. It is the riddle that the sphinx gave to oedipus which he answered correctly saving the city from destruction. He was then made king of thebes.
“In all seriousness (pardon the pun), at one time riddles were not really supposed to be funny. They were more like a challenge at puzzle – solving. The chicken crossing the road “joke” may not be meant to be truly funny, it could be a lesson in logic.
Now, I would hope that most people know this riddle.
Example:
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs at noontime and 3 legs in the evening?
The answer?
A human (or traditionally, man). The 4 legs represent infancy – crawling, the two legs, adulthood – walking and the 3 legs, old age – walking with a cane. This is hardly funny, but certainly metaphorical.
I’m sure at some point, perhaps a jester turned the puzzle part into something funny and thus broke the tradition of problem solving, turning it into a joke.
Here’s a source:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riddle
I hope that this clears things up. And I agree, the chicken joke isn’t funny.
Comment posted on August 1st, 2009 at 6:14 pm by not2nerdy4u”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…..
When geese fly in a V why is one side longer than the other?
There are more birds on that side!
If this has been repeated, I am sorry. I know this is dumb but I think it is cute,
Where does a bee go to the bathroom?
At a BP station.
I have thought that was so cute, when I first heard it.
u wanna know a joke? ill tell u funny! ok why did the squirel cross the road?
because it was stapled to the chicken!!!!!! hahahahahahahhaaa
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders
.
Question:
Wanna here a Dirty Joke?
Answer:
A pig in the mud!
Question:
Wanna Hear a REALLY Dirty Joke?
Answer:
2 pigs in the mud!
As a youth, you would eagerly reply “YES”,to the 1s part of the joke!
Take care! Lillsoma ~_~.
.
There’s actually another alternate version I’ve heard.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other slide.
Still pretty but not stupid it was popular as a tot.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Q: The Lion King is having a meeting of all the animals. One is not there. Who is it and why?
A: The giraffe; he’s in the refrigerator.
Q: You are late to the meeting. To get to the meeting-place, you must cross a pond that is inhabited by crocodiles. There is no bridge. How do you get across?
A: You just swim across; all the crocodiles are already at the meeting.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A bloody penguin…
What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes…
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave at her…
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the skunk that it could be done…
Three men walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks.
A string sits at a bar, ties himself into a knot, frays his hair all about and looks at the bartender. Bartender asks, “You okay?” The string replies, “I’m a fraid knot!”
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
haha, well. Not really.
Did you know that dislexia saved my life? Yeah, I stepped out behind the bus!!!
This has gotta be the worse chicken joke ever.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot
Uhmm, yea.
What did the dog say to the tree? bark.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
They also think these jokes are funny.
Here’s a bad joke that had my friends and I busting up laughing for days on end. (yeah, I have the sense of humor of a five year old)
So Sarah, Matt and Tom go to a tooth brush convention to sell toothbrushes. Afterwards, the chariman comes up to each of them to ask how many toothbrushes they sold.
“Sarah,” the chairman asks, “How many toothbrushes have you sold?”
“I sold fifty toothbrushes!” she says brightly.
“Good job good job,” answers the chairman, “Matt, how many toothbrushes have you sold?”
“I sold a hundred toothbrushes!” Matt tells him.
“Good job good job!” answers the chairman, “Now… Tom. How many toothbrushes have YOU sold?”
*says w/ a lisp* “I- I thold one toothbruth.”
“Just one? Okay well, try to sell a few more next time.”
So the next annual toothbrush convention rolls around, and again Sarah, Matt and Tom all try to sell as many toothbrushes as they can.
The chairman comes up to them afterwards and asks each of them for the number of toothbrushes sold.
“Sarah?”
“I sold a hundred and fifty toothbrushes!” she exclaims.
“Good job good job!” answers the chairman. “Matt?”
“I sold two hundred toothbrushes!” he answers proudly.
“Good job good job!” answers the chairman. “Now… Tom?”
Tom stutters, “I- I thold two toothbruthes.”
“Okay Tom, you need a gimic. Something that’s gonna make people wanna buy your toothbrushes.”
and Tom says, “Okay.”
So the next annual toothbrush convention rolls around and the chairman asks how many toothbrushes they sold again.
“Sarah, how many did you sell?”
“I sold TWO HUNDRED toothbrushes!” she brags.
“Good job good job!” answers the chairman, “Matt, how many did you sell?”
“I sold THREE HUNDRED toothbrushes!” Matt answers excitedly.
“Good job good job!” answers the chairman. Then he turns to Tom and asks, “Tom… how many toothbrushes did you sell?”
Tom answers, “I- I thold thirty five thouthand toothbruthes.”
“WHAT?!” they all shout. The chairman demands, “How on earth did you sell that many toothbrushes?!”
“Well,” Tom begins, “You told me to get a gimic. tho I got a table. And put bwownies (*brownies*) on the table and had a sign that said FWEE BWOWNIES!!! (*free brownies*) and people came and tharted to eat the bwownies. Then they’d all go, “Blech! this bwownie tastes like POOP!”
and I’d say, “IT IS POOP! Wanna buy a toothbruth?!”
Dumb. Joke. And by the way, the lisp really has nothing to do with the punchline. That’s just the way my friend insisted on telling it.
For some reason though… it always makes me laugh.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you fit a giraffe in a refrigerator?
-open the door, stick the giraffe in, close the door.
How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?
-you cant! the giraffe’s already in there!
My parents used to tell me these two jokes almost everyday of my childhood, and in my opinion, they are the worst jokes of all time.
A. Why don’t sharks eat clowns?
Q. They taste funny.
A. Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Q. Professional courtesy.
Because, of course, as a 2 year old, I understood what professional courtesy was.
-________________________-
Two guys walk in to a bar, the third one ducks.
Shameful.
Everytime we pass some railroad tracks,my dad always says,”Oh,a train’s been through here,it left it’s tracks.”
so.. I work in a call center, warranty department of major appliances.. every now and then, I have someone call in about their washer machine, and how it won’t spin.
My first response to that is always “wow. that’s gotta be agitating!” (for those of you that don’t know it, when a washer spins, it is technically called agitating the clothes).
i know, it’s corny.. the sad thing is, only a small handful of people get it. and an even smaller portion actually laugh. hehe. i think it’s funny though.
some of these jokes are so funny and cute! haha
I like the refridgerator one!
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.
Priceless.
100 plants walk into a bar and the bartender says,”We dont serve plants” the plants reply,”thats the root of our sadness”
A woman told me this when I was 10 or 11 years old.
Her: Ask me if I am a firetruck.
Me: Are you a firetruck?
Her: No silly! I am a person!
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?
What’s yellow and doesn’t float?
A tractor
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A house brick
All those jokes that are considered ‘jokes’ plainly because of the fact that it’s funny that it’s not funny are lame.
Hi, I’m on my dsi and remembered this stupid blonde joke:
Three blondes were walking and came upon some tracks and tried to figure out what they were from. The first one said, ”I think those are deer tracks.”
The second one said, “No, those are elk tracks.”
The last one said, “NO! Those are definately moose tracks.”
…
..
…
…
..They were still arguing when the train hit them:]
A few corny jokes I can’t believe nobody said:
Q-Why was the tissue dancing?
A-Because it had a lil boogie in it
Q-Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl to the dance?
A-He didn’t have the guts
I hope the sheer corniness made you giggle.
How do you tell boy chromosomes from girl chromosomes?
Pull down their genes!
Whats black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Whats black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed the other one.
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant gun?
You choke the blue elephant and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun?
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Psh, there are no such things as pink elephants.
Ahh, my boyfriend is a trip I say…
what are you doing joke
A man and a girraffe walk into a bar they both get pissed (drunk) and the girraffe falls over and the man goes to leave then the barman goes “Oi you just can’t leave that lion (lyin) there, so the man says “it’s not a lion it’s a girraffe.
Two snakes are slithering through the grass.
One snake says to the other,
“Hey, we’re poisonous right?”
The other snake replies,
“Yeah, of course. Why do you ask?”
The other snake says,
“Cause I just bit my tongue.”
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar. The bartender asks the atom, “Hey, why are you so sad?” The atom says, ” I think I lost an electron.” The bartender asks, “Are you sure?” The hydrogen atom says…
“I’M POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!”
hahahaha.
I kno, its not that funny, but that was the highpoint in my day.
haha “im hungry – im daddy” that one made me laugh.
what’s the difference between a pizza and a gay guy?
- the pizza doesnt fart when you pull it out of the oven.
made me laugh when i was a kid. (p.s. i have gay friends – im not a gay-basher).
“100 plants walk into a bar and the bartender says,”We dont serve plants” the plants reply,”thats the root of our sadness” ”
how can that be lame? it makes sense and its funny.
First I changed a light bulb, then I walked across the road and into a bar. That’s when I realized my life was all a joke.
Now, if that isn’t a dumb joke then I don’t know what is.
Q: what did the casket say to the other casket?
A: is that you coffin?
Q:What did the math book say to the pen?
A: I have alot of problems
Q: what did the piece of gum cross the road?
A: it was stuck to the chicken’s foot
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry it’s only me.
Q:is your refrigerator running?
A:yes
PL:well then you better go catch it!
funny but lame
here’s one:
what do you call a deer without eyes?
no idea? (that’s exactly right! a No-Eye Deer)
okay, how about i tell you three more jokes? two short jokes, and one long one. ready?
joke, joke, jooooooookkkeeeee.
Perv Joke….
Three Students were late to class.
Two boys and one girl.
The first boy came in and the teacher asks “Where have you been?”
The boy answered “I was riding on Cherry Hill”
The Second boy came in and the teacher asks again “Where have you been?”
The boy answered “I was riding on Cherry Hill”
The Girl Finally came in too and the teacher said “Let me Guess you went riding on Cherry Hill too??”
The Girl Said “I AM Cherry Hill…”
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t allow your kind here.”
The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-gi.”
Two white horses walk into a very very deep muddy puddle. none come out. Why? BECAUSE THEY DROWNED AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAH
………………………………………………………………….
I seriously just made that up now.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?….. “to get to the toilet…. Why did it want to get to the toilet?…..Cause thats where the C**ks hang out!
Always gets me that one!!
An done more….. Did here about the magic tractor?….. It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!!
What is black and white and red and cannot go thru a revolving door? A nun with a spear thru her head!!~
Timothy
“Okay, so I’m at the office, and I tell this guy, I tell him, I say, hand me the stapler, but make sure it’s got staples in it, or else I can’t staple anything.”
Two blondes walked into a bar. You would think one of them would have seen it.
a paraplegic walks into a bar
now that’s a truly horrible joke
I dream of a better world, a world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned!!
Hehe. I’m liking a lot of these jokes. Here’s a couple.
There are three men at the edge of a cliff. All of a sudden, a genie comes out of nowhere and tells them that if they jump off the cliff, and say something, they will land in a pile of whatever they said.
The first man jumps off. He says, “Money.” He lands in a huge pile of money. The second man goes, except he says, “Gold.” He lands in a pile of gold.
Now the third man was afraid of heights, and when he looked down he said, “Crap.” When he reached the bottom, he fell in a pile of crap.
Now for a dumb blonde joke-
A redhead, brunette, and blonde walk into a magic shop. The shop owner shows them a mirror. “This mirror is a lie dectector. If you say something true in front of it, nothing happens. But if you lie, you disappear and go…somewhere. I’m not quite sure.” The girls tried out the mirror. The redhead walked up and said, “I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.” POOF! She was gone. Then the brunette came up to the mirror. “I think I’m the smartest girl in the world,” she said. POOF! She was gone. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “I think-” POOF! She disappeared.
2 penguins walk into a bar, they both order a beer. one looks at the other and says, “radio”
there’s no point to the joke, it is just enjoyable looking at thier face when they don’t get it. Especially if you laugh and seem shocked that they don’t get it.
what’s black and white and black and white and black and white?
a nun falling down the stairs
what’s black and white and goes hee hee hee?
the nun that pushed her
a guy goes to the store and gets a bag of chips and a soda. the cashier says “so you’re single, huh?” the guy says “yeah but how did you know” she says “cause you’re ugly”
I think that specific jokes are funny and aren’t funny; it depends upon the listener’s sense of humor. Its about understanding that person. for example you might not like sadistic jokes and may like perverted jokes yourself. But your friends may be interested in sadistic jokes. By time you get used to that sense of humor and join the club.
And there. Sense of humor are another thing that would shape a personality (for the better or for worse: please for you own sake, don’t be a PERVERT!!!)
PS: Sry kinda forgot about the PG stuff.
What did the zero say to the eight?
“I just love your new belt!”
I love corney jokes, here’s my favorites…
Q. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A. Aye Matey
Q. Why are Pirates called Pirates?
A. They just arrrrrrrr (works best if you do a hook hand impression, and close one eye )
“Knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“The Interrupting Cow”
“The Interrup-”
“MOOOO!”
“Knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Nobody” (and walk away as you say “nobody”)
“Okay, I have a good one, but you have to start it.”
“Alright – knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
(This is where the other person has no idea what to say next, thus making it funny.)
Two muffins sit baking in an oven.
The first muffin says, “Wow, it’s really hot in here.”
The second muffin exclaims, “Holy crap, a talking muffin!”
Q: “Where do the Germans keep their armies?”
A: “In their sleevies!”
Aaaand
Q: “What’s brown and sticky?”
A: “A stick!”
My family loves those jokes, for some reason.
you people are morons, if you want bad jokes, go watch robot chicken!
Question: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Answer: Because it died!
OK I’ll be completely honest that one cracked me up but it’s very similar to the chicken crossing the road.
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
Why do some homemakers preserve fresh fruits and vegetables?
Because they can.
-What’s funnier than a dead baby?
-Oh no, what?
-Two dead babies!! HAHHAHAH HAHAHAHA HHAH HAHAHH AHAHHAH
It’s all in the delivery
Guess what?
Chicken butt.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. It’s not that hard to screw in a light bulb, my GOD.
Oh yeah i love this one but it’s so lame and just dumb:
Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!
BAHAHAHA!!!
Why didn’t Julius Caesar answer his cell phone?
Because he was DEAD.
-_-
bob: what does the compound BaNa2 stand for?
katy: barium sodium?
bob: no banana!
how about the chicken one in this way
Why wouldn’t the chicken cross the road?
because he was a chicken.
where do cows go to see the latest films
to the moooovies:L:L haaaahaaaaaaaaaaaa no
This guy walks in to a bar and goes up stairs. He asks a bartender for a drink. The guy next to him tells the guy ” did you know if you jump out the window you always go up” so the guy jumps out the window and he dies so the bartender is like ‘hey superman why you let that guy jump out the window’.
My Children used to come to me on a hot summer day at the park and say “Daddy, I’m Thirsty”,…and I would respond,” Well, I’m Friday, come over Saturday and well have a big Sunday.”
A Vampire Bat flies back into its bat-cave after a night outing,…he has this fresh blood just trickling down his face and his vampire roomies catch scent of it and inquires,”Hey, Where did you get that fresh blood?” He says,”well I really don’t want to talk about it.” His roomies insist on letting them know so that they may go out and get some.(You know vampires and their aquired taste for blood, and all.) The Vampire Bad caves-in,(no pun intended) and says,”I can’t tell you but I’ll show you.” He procedes to lead them out of the Bat Cave,(an other no pun intended.) and they follow Him acroos this meadow, then across this river,..up into the forest and when they come across these certain groupof trees, he stops short and says,”You see that tree right there,” and singles one in particular out,and they say “yeah, yeah, we see it!( with excitement) then the first bat responds,…..”Well,…I didn’t.”
Lmao stupidest joke ever:
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator and put in the giraffe.
Also,
There was a party in the rainforest. EVERY animal was invited except for one. Which animal?
The giraffe. LOL
What did John McCain say when he lost the election?
O bummer!
You want to hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell into the mud.
You want to hear a dirtier one?
TWO pigs fell into the mud.
You want to hear the DIRTIEST joke?
Two pigs fell into the mud, and three came out.
It was a dark and stormy night and a man and a woman’s car broke down on a street empty except for a red house. They went up to the red house, knocked on the red door, which was answered by a little old lady in a red nightgown. They asked to borrow the phone to call a tow truck. The old lady said she didn’t have a phone but they could stay there until morning. So they followed the lady in the red nightgown up the red staircase, to a red door, into a red bedroom with two red beds. Later in the night, two more men broke down and came to the red house to borrow the phone. The lady offered them a place to stay as well. So they followed that old lady in the red nightgown up the red staircase to another red door into another red bedroom with two more red beds. They slept through the night, and when they woke up they went in to the red kitchen and sat at the red table where there were four red bowls and four red spoons and a box of Cheerios and a box of Trix. The first man chose Trix, feeling like he needed the sugar to get the car into town. The woman chose Trix as well, not wanting to seem out of place. The third man chose Cheerios, trying to be healthy. The fourth man chose Trix, because what the hey, it’s just cereal. The moral of this story is the three out of people perfer Trix top Cheerios.
You’re American in the kitchen, you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
Heres a good one.
What did Michael Jackson say when they had him in the stretcher?
“Take me to the nearest childrens hospital!”
R.I.P Michael Jackson.
I said this one in school and people actually spread it around fast.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
.com
An angry bear walked in to a bar.
There were no survivors. The funeral will be held Wednesday.
Anti-humour is the least funny of all.
my friend told me this its stupid but i still laughed:
so there are 2 muffins in a oven, one muffin says to the other muffin “gee its hot in here” the other muffin says “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”
wow i just laughed to myself a little
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Cause someone threw a fridge at him.
Why did the plane crash?
Cause the pilot was a piece of cheese.
Why’d the butcher cry?
Cause he cut the wrong sausage.
Hahaha, all from my 9 year old sister =)
acording to this artical
http://uk.reuters.com/article/idUKL129052420080731
The Worlds oldest joke. (Dated back to 1900 BC) goes:
“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
Maybe I just have a really bad scense of tolit houmor, but- that ain’t funny.
1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night… One was assaulted.
2.What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
3.What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin’ Catholic.
What did one wall say to the other???
i’ll meet you at the corner
aHAhahahahhahah
Pete and RePete are sitting on a log. Pete falls off, who’s left.
Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
she wanted to see her reflection in the river at the bottom
A blonde walked into a shop, walked up to the man behind the counter and said “Can i have that TV please?”
he replied, “Sorry , i don’t serve blondes.”
She returned the next day in a brown wig, “Can i have that TV please?” she asked.
he replied “Sorry, i don’t serve blondes.”
“How did you know i was blonde!” she retorted.
“Because that’s a microwave.”
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever
How do a blondes brain cells die?
Alone
How do you drown a blond?
Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool
Three girls walk into a mirror shop, one was blonde, another redhead and one brunette. The shopman walks up to a mirror and says to the them, “This is a magic mirror, if you lie infront of it you vanish.”
The brunette says-with a roll of her eyes-”I think i might buy it then.” then the vanished.
The redhead laughed and said; “I think i might miss her.” then she vanished.
The blonde said “I think-” and she vanished.
i read some of these jokes that people have commented with, some are funny, some are just plain stupid ^-^ tee hee
A baby seal walks into a club.
It’s really stupid, but it may be my all-time favorite joke.
Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. where’s my tractor?
What came first? The chicken or the egg?
The egg of course!
I egg for breakfast and chicken for lunch.
I don’t know if someone posted that up.
Also, those jokes… most of them I found pretty funny. o3o
Best lame joke of all time…
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says; “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw”
HAHA i was laughing just typing it…
This is a joke only told to a newcomer to a group:
There were two cows in the shower. One of them slipped on her bar of soap and shouted “radio!”
At this point everyone who is “in on it” laughs as hard as they can as if they get the punchline (which of course has no meaning). The idea is to con the newcomer into laughing like they understand the joke.
Stupid joke. I know.
Hey–some of these are actually making me LOL!
Ok, I know it is politically incorrect, but here goes:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican and a Texan were all flying on a plane. As they were flying out across the desert the pilot makes the announcement that they have lost an engine and are losing altitude fast. They will need to get rid of some weight. So they throw all their luggage out of the plane. But they are still losing altitude fast. As they look around them they see only two parachutes. So, with a deep breath, the Frenchman straps on a parachute, shouts “Viva la France!” and jumps out. But they are still going down fast, so the Englishman straps on his chute and shouting “God save the Queen” bails out. But they keep losing altitude. So the Texan, not wanting to be outdone yells “Remember the Alamo!” and shoves the Mexican out!
Don’t take offense anyone. It’s just a joke.
Two airbaloons were flying across the desert. Suddenly one of them shouted: ‘Look out! A Cactussssssssssss….’
The other replied: ‘Oh, shshshshshshshshshut up…’.
My old teacher got fed up with the chicken joke, so she made us read this story written from the chicken’s point of view. It said that the chicken went to a party and drank too many sodas and then when he was going home, he had to use a bathroom and saw a gas station with a bathroom across the street. Worst worksheet I ever did.
Another teacher once told me this one, I forget some of it but it was still funny.
“What do Star Trek, Star Wars (other space shows) all have in common?”
“They all search around uranus searching for klingons.”
It was on my birthday and so later that night when everyone came to my party it was anyone talked about…
I’m starting to get sick of all the Chuck Norris jokes my brother tells me. It’s so annoying when I say
“Wutchu talkin bout Willis?!” (famous line)
And he says “Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about!” (Rolls eyes…)
Here are some more terrible jokes…
“It’s a good thing my parents named me ____, because everyone calls me that.”
I also think racist jokes should die, here is the worst one I heard:
“How do you blind a chinese person?”
“Dental floss!”
Here are some more:
“You have a rat on your head!”
“What?!”
“It’s gonna eat you!”
(I touch my head in disbelief)
“Gotcha!”
“What do you get when you cross Jack Frost with Edward Cullen?”
“Frostbite…”
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
“Then get it yourself!”
Here is a skit my friend and I did for volunteers…
1: “What do you call a volunteer?”
2: “What?!”
1: “A volunteer!”
2: (rolls over laughing)
1: Okay, it wasn’t that funny.
2: (uncontrollably laughs)
1: Okay then… (walks away)
2: (stops laughing, stands up) Wait! It was a joke!
Here is a good one:
“Why did Mozart get rid of chickens?”
“Because they all said Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Hahaha musical joke.
This one is bad…
“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Watermelon!”
“Watermelon who?”
“Watermelon you glad I didn’t say banana or orange?”
“An alien comes to earth. First he goes to the airport and learns the words “Take off”. Then he goes to the zoo and learns the word “Zebra”. Then he goes to the hospital and learns the word “Baby.” Then he goes up to a girl and says, “Take off zebra baby!”
“Knock knock”
“Nobody’s home!”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Ding dong”
“Who’s there?”
“No that’s my name”
A friend did this over the phone:
“Hello. Is Wing there?”
“No.”
“Is Wong there?”
“No.”
“I guess I winged the wong number.”
This was corny from Three’s Company:
“I’ve come to shampoo your rug.”
“Why? Does it have dandruff? SNORT SNORT SNORT”
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Larry?!”
Or, how about:
-Knock,Knock
-Come In!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because it did, gosh!
Peat and repeat were sitting in a boat peat falls out who is left?
Repeat!!
Peat and repeat were sitting in a boat peat falls out who is left?
Repeat!
peat and repeat were sitting in a boat peat falls out who is left? …………….You get the pic!!!
My fav from school but you have to say it fast for it to work.
what is 5+5?
10
what is 6+4?
10
what is 3+7?
10
what is 2+8?
10
what is an Alumiuim can made out of?
(9 out of 10 will say) Tin
what happened when a coach at football game asked the rival team, who had recently stolen a player, for his quaterback?
he gave him 2 dimes and a nickel instead!
im sorry, are my jokes PUNishing you? haaaaa
well mabey the joke would be better in you were at the game for the PUNt!!!!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Interrupting cow.
Interuppting co-
MOO!
I know. Its bad.
“Knock Knock”
“whos there”
“boo”
“boo who”
“dont cry, its only a joke”
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
I am!
I am who?
You’re (insert name).
That one’s actually pretty funny in my opinion, but still horrible nonetheless.
Knock Knock,
Who’s there?,
Woo,
Woo who?,
Why are you so excited, its only me!
I long to see the day when fowl can cross the road without being questioned of their motives… until then I can only hope that nobody will be stupid enough to offer me cheese to match my complaints. After all, the pun itself automaticly gives me quite enough, no thank you.
I really liked the INTERRUPTION!!!! one and my gosh, Christy, your little girl is hillarious! 1up Mushroom’s orange/monkey and the pink fluff riddle are so ridiculous it’s actually funny…. I actually Laughed Out Loud! Thanks everyone!
a baby seal walked into a club
horriblehorrible joke.
i got another sequel to why the chicken crossed the road.
why idd the chicken cross the road?
TO COMMIT SUICIDE!
how about this one: which side of a dog has the most fur?
answer: the outside!
Did you hear about the one with the spider with twelve legs, the baseball player and the cooking pan?
No…
Me neither.
How many little kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the lightbulb, two to turn the ladder.
1: What were you eating under there?
2: Under where?
1: HA! You were eating underwear! Boxers or briefs?
A very lame one I used to use on people when I was little.
- What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
- A pool table.
My GF always messes up knock knock jokes.
GF- Knock knock
Me- Who’s there?
GF- Banana
Me- Banana who?
GF- Banana [end of joke]
I’m like wtf
In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank – hungry, tired, and exhausted.
“I need food,” whimpered Bob.
“We could always eat the fish,” suggested Sidney.
“Don’t be stupid,” said Geoff.
“Lets all stay calm,” said Bernard.
“I’ve been thinking,” said Jim, thoughtfully.
“Haven’t we all,” responded Geoff, “there’s nothing else to do round here but think. I’m all thunk out.”
“No, Look,” continued Jim. “Here we all are famished, and there’s a snack machine just over there.”
“Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that’ll go down a treat,” said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. “No one need ever know.”
“And what about the camera pointing straight at it?” asked Bernard.
“Aha, but there’s no camera pointing at the back of it!” announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. “Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!”
“And what would we do with the wrappers?” Said Bob nervously. “There’s talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!”
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. “As I said, I’ve been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them.”
Geoff was only half convinced. “There’s still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked.”
“I’ve thought of that, watch this…” Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
“Don’t sit on that ancient thing” snapped Geoff.
“What?” asked Bernard.
“He’s right” said Jim. “That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway.”
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
“And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank.”
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn’t so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don’t nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn’t going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn’t have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he’d got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
“How? just How? how… How could you?” he finally exploded.
“We’re all very sorry. Really, we are.” Jim hesitantly replied.
“Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you’re sorry!”
“Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are.”
“We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!”
“We’re sorry about that.”
“So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs…”
“We’re sorry about that as well.”
“…And, without a care, you steal from this company…”
“And we’re very sorry about that.”
“And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium…”
“Ah, yes, we’re sorry about that, too.”
“…And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!”
“Actually sir, that isn’t quite true…”
“What?”
“We didn’t do it on porpoise.”
Everyday in class, at the end of the day, the teacher would ask a question and everyday little Mike would get the answer wrong
Teacher: How far is the Earth from the sun?
Mike: 2 miles
Teacher: Sorry Mikey, wrong again.
So little Mike decided to get creative. He went out and took all of his dads’ golf balls and spray paints them black and throws them in his back pack. The next day, the teacher is getting ready to ask the question and Mike spills all the golf balls onto the floor. The teacher, suprised and angry at the disruption says…
Teacher: Whos the comedian with the black balls?
Mike raises his hand and says: Bill Cosby
“all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if u seek amy”
britney spears, trying to be a comedian
A man walks into a bar…
and says ouch
Worst joke i’ve heard to date however it made me laugh for a good long while which is just evidence of my immature sense of humour!!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow,
Interrupt-
Moooooo
knock knock
who’s there
doctor
dotor who
how’d ya guess
lol
heres another
you owe me poorly octopus
what?
sick squid (six quid)
and
why did the whale cross the road
to get to the other tide……
A baby seal walks into a club….
Q: Why did the skeleton go to the library?
A: To bone up on a few things
My mom’s favorite from me telling her when I was 6
2 muffins are sitting in an oven. the first turns to the second and says “It sure is hot in here!” the second turns to the first and say “WHOA!! a talking muffin!”
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry!
My friends and I used to think this was so funny.
Dog walks into a bar, jumps up on a barstool and tells the bartender to bring him a scotch.
The bartender tells the dog “ we don’t serve dogs in here and if you don’t leave I’m going to have to shoot you”.
The dog refuses to leave, and the bartender shoots the dog.
A month later the dog returns wearing leather and carrying two six shooters. The dog kicks open the bar door walks in and states, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
Wy did teh chicken cross teh road? A: Because the tree was blown over in a storm taht night.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient c-
MOO!
-_-
many knock knock jokes aren’t funny. but a few are. this is one of my favourites.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Gestapo.
Gestapo who?
I’ll be the ones asking the questions.
A minature car flys by with two snails in it.
My brother says “look at that s-car-go”
My brother really thinks this is funny.
***************************************************
What’s the definition of confusion?
“30 blind lesbians in a fish market.”
A little better.
2 little boys in an all boys catholic school and in trouble sent to the Fathers office.
the father says to the first little boy” boy do you know where God is?
the little boy says ” No’
The Father says” Well when you Know where God is, “you come back in here and let me know!
in the meantime you go tell your friend its his turn.
the little boy goes out to his friend and says”
It’s your turn, I guess they misplaced God and there blaming it on us.
a man riding on a motor cycle one day. and God speaks and says because you have been a Good person all your life. I’m going to grant you 1 wish. the Biker , says I’d like a highway from the states to Hawaii and God say’s do you realize the cost and materials involved in making something like that?
try something else.
The man gives great thought and says
to know why my wife cries and tells me nothings wrong or why she gets mad at me and wont speak to me.
and for all men to have a better understanding of there wives.
God say’s how many lanes you want on that bridge?
That last joke of yours was two thirds of a pun…
What do you mean?
P U, drop the N and carry the smell
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo, Who?
Well you don’t have to cry about it!
I hate knock knock jokes, most of the most loathed have already been posted in comments, lol.
But I must say, my kids LOVE making them up, and they find them to be hilarious, even though they don’t make sense most of the time! Oh well, at least somebody’s giggling@!
I FRICKIN LOVE CHICKEN JOKES!
ITS ALL JUST FOR FUN AND SMILES AND WHO DOESN’T LIKE TO SMILE?
WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO WHEN PEOPLE START WRITINGLONG BLOGS ABOUT CHICKEN JOKES?!?!?!?!!?
A Lame Your Momma Joke
” Your Momma is So Old, She Died.”
Ranks about 3 on the top ten dumbest things I have ever heard
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in giraffe, close door.
The lion king is throwing a party, who can’t come?
The giraffe, he’s still in the fridge!
Lame but funny
~
a really bad yo momma joke:
yo momma so fat, she was laying on the beach and peta tried to tow her back in the water.
“A man walks into a bar – ouch” is the best joke I’ve ever heard.
lamest??
the chicken one
Tim was making cookies with his mom one night. Tim says, “Mother, may I please lick the bowl?” His mom answered, “No Tim, you must flush like everyone else.”
haha…this is so stupid but funny at the same time!
-Coradova
Q.) I hear youtube, twitter and facebook are going to join together, guess what it’s going to be called?
A.) Youtwitface
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove the Armadillo that it could be done.
what do you get when there is no n in fun? :0
:O —–8 lol
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck
Q: What is black and white and read all over
A: A sunburned Zebra
I had to throw my lame ones in too.
Q: Why did the moose cross the road?
A: Chicken’s day off.
Q. How Long is a Chinaman.
A. I don’t know, how long IS a Chinaman?
Q. No, no, that’s his name… How Long.
A. I hate you so much right now.
(…and DON’T get me started on the “Unique Elephant” series of jokes!…)
Some little-known facts about Ghandi:
-His diet not only left him with brittle bones, but a constant case of bad breath.
-He would walk everywhere barefoot, and thus developed great callouses of dead skin on his feet.
-Some of his followers thought he had magical powers.
To recap… are you ready for this?
Ghandi was a super, calloused, fragile mystic… hexed by hallitosis.
there’s one that has ran in my family since as long as I can remember.
me: I’m hungry
answer: Hi, Hungry!
or…
me: I’m thirsty
answer: Hi, Thirsty!
A boy comes to class late and the teacher asks “why are you late” and the boy says “i was on top of cherry hill”
another boys walks in and the teachers asks “why are you late” and the boy says “i was on top of cherry hill”
so another boy comes to class late with the exact same excuse.
then a girl walks into the class late and the furious teacher says” let me guess you were on top of cherry hill too!” and the girl says “no, i am cherry hill”
old and lame but i loved it as a kid
Lol so many funny jokes, I read like a quarter of this HUGE list of stupid but funny jokes
and my favorite one so far is this one:
I keep seeing “A guy walks into a bar. Ouch..” I couldn’t find that one out until like the 5th time seeing it he walked into a bar as in brick
“What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees! Aha
Comment posted on August 1st, 2009 at 6:44 am by Megan”
^^ made me LOL.
My joke(kind of long):
There were 4 men stranded on an island. They were all holding a fruit they had to stick up their butt(as crude as it sounds) for 10 seconds. Or else, they will be killed.
So, first man came and had grapes in his hand. He stuck ‘em up, but only for 6 seconds, he began to scream and got killed. The next man came up with a coconut in his hand. He stuck ‘em up, but only for 4 seconds to where he was moaning in pain and got killed.
–UP IN HEAVEN–
The first man to been killed (one with grapes) was laughing but trying not to as the other man (coconut one) asked, “Why are you laughing?”
He replied, “The last guy is holding a pinapple.”
——-
The end
(lol!!)
A: I’m thristy
B: I’m friday, come over saturday and we’ll have a sunday
Q) whats greater than god
more evil than the devil
poor people have it
rich people need it
and if you eat it you’ll die
A) nothing
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: Who told you that?
Student: You did, you said it was H to O…
Q: Once a frog got stuck to a mans face forever so they decided to become friends. one day they went on a hike and came across a worm. idont like you! said the worm. so i will eat you! dont eat my friend! said the man. but the worm was able to eat both of them. how?
A:the worm was secretly attached to an underground bull and the bull came up and attacked them and fed them to the worm for 10 years…
i mean what the heck!!!
so there r 2 tomatoes in da fridge. 1 says to da other,
“man, its cold.” den da other tomatoes says
“holy shit a talking tomatoe!
a man finds a magic lamp and a magic genie comes out and says
“u have 3 wishes. u can wish for anything but ure wife get double.”
so the man’s 1st wish was a fancy sports car, so his wife gets 2.
he then wishes for a big mansion, so his wife den get 2 big mansions.
his last wish he tells da genie, “Beat me half to death!”
lol http://yanswersblog.com/newblog/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif
Who says this joke can’t be funny? LOL
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjLH6AYSnMiOjy2FA76.FC7sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090818175830AAn3K9c
Q: where did the pencil go?
A: to pencil-vannia
A student really had to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said that he had to say the alphabet first.
Student:ok, fine. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher:where did the p go?
Student: down my pants
i got about the same joke as
Comment posted on August 12th, 2009 at 9:46 am by Danielle
that person, but its sorta different…
There were 3 men stranded on an island. they had to put 3 whole fruits up their butts, or else they would get killed by a tribe. So, the first man had 3 coconuts, but he couldn’t stuff the 2nd one in, so he got killed. the second man brought cherries, but on the 3rd cherry, he started laughing so hard that he couldnt stuff the last cherry up, so he got killed.
IN HEAVEN
1st man: why did you start laughing?????
2nd man: i saw the last person coming with pineapples…
Parent: Why did you throw butter out of the window?
Child: I wanted to see a “butter-fly!”
OMG!!!!! i forgot about this one!!! i had this HORRIBLE subsitute teacher, and the clock wasnt working… when it was writing, a guy would ask, “What time is it?” and then the sub would say, “time for writing!”
I have one…
Whats black and white black and white?
a nun rolling down the hill.
Whats black and white and goes hahahaha?
the nun that pushed her!
could actually be funny…. maybe.
What’s Up?
Chicken Butt!